Cardboard

I am bored.
or boring.
am I bored because I am boring?

aburrido.
es "boring" en español.

I feel as if my life has become this routine and I can't seem to break out of it.
My mind escapes some days to envision myself doing something EXTREME and EXCITING!
but it never actually happens.
Why is that?
How come I can't make those day dreams a reality?


What will it take for me to become un-boring?

Hand pt. 1

Last night, I took some time to practice prayer.
This is a new notion and idea for me; that prayer needs to be practiced.
But it makes sense.
In this book I'm reading, "Walking With God" by John Eldrigde, he speaks of the importance of practicing talking with God. The only way to grow into that intimate relationship with our Abba, Father is through practicing it.
So I tried.

I prayed.
I listened.
I admitted that I had no idea what to say or what I was doing.
I heard.
& what I heard was
"Hold my hand"

that phrase came into my mind.
simple. beautiful. intimate. enticing. pursuant & inviting.
my heart and soul were happy, I drifted slowly off to sleep.
but my mind still wandered....

There are many stories of God having direct contact, especially through Jesus.
And my thought was:
"When Jesus held a hand, was he the type to clutch or to lace??"
You know, the intertwined fingers kind of thing...
& I am convinced that Jesus was the intertwining hand holder type.

Been Running Through My Mind

the only people for me are the mad ones,
the ones who are mad to live,
mad to talk,
mad to be saved,
desirous of everything at the same time,
the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing,
but
burn,
burn,
burn,
like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars...

- jack kerouac

A Discovery From Long Ago.

I was sorting through my saved mail file of my e-mail account when I stumbled upon some past snippets of things that have filtered through my mind.... most of these were written on my phone in text messages to myself because once a sentence starts in my mind, it doesn't stop and I need to get it down.
Here are a few things that have gone through my head...



October 14, 2007
It's like talking to an addict while they are intoxicated! There is no way to break through to them, they don't hear a word you scream, they don't see your emotion no matter how hurt you are. And it is an addiction- once you allow yourself to just let go it's hard to think of anything else and this turns into an obsession that- gone unchecked- could ruin you. It's the same with all obsessions: the desire for the obsess-e is so great that when it reaches the point in which one realizes this obsession is absolutely unobtainable, they will implode.
{in reference to a friend's obsession over a band}



November 24, 2007
I'm colder tonight than usual. It's as if the frigid frayed ends of the wind have snuck their way in through an unknown unclosed portal; delicately dancing their way down the darkened passages that our feet had once long ago inhabited. As they listlessly passed by, scents of memories stirred and played behind my heavy eyelids drifting me off into a time and place passed with faces that have long since changed. Here is where I reside. Here is where I find my broken peace. Here is where we have been left.



November 25, 2007
Just like the slender piece of wood being ever so gently slid out of its storage place amongst the others, she felt her sudden displacement come rushing toward her, the tall tower began to tremble as did she with the realization that the moment had passed. It was done. That had been it. Not wanting the magnificent marvel of a stack to come crashing down around them, the spectators spread out their arms in hope that the energy put forth might prevail against the natural forces of gravity. But before she could stretch out her arms to cushion the fall, she was lying flat on the ground with only tear stained cheeks and a heart full of "what if's" to embrace her.